Attachment and sleep
Learn about attachment, its importance and how it relates to sleep.
Here are the video notes, in case you prefer to read instead:
Understanding Attachment: The Key to Better Sleep
Today we're going to explore attachment theory and why understanding it will transform how you approach your child's sleep.
This information is based on the work of Dr. Neufeld and courtesy of Isla-Grace Sleep and Wellness.
What is Attachment?
Attachment is the pursuit and preservation of proximity—it's our fundamental drive to be close to those we love. Because being close to a caregiver means survival for the child. Beyond hunger, connection is your child's most basic need.
A plant is a really great analogy of attachment because plants attach through their multiple roots. We spend a great deal of time watering and caring for the plant before we see the fruits of our labour. Only when the roots are strong enough, does the plant start growing big and tall above ground. For our children, attachment is like their roots. The stronger and deeper the attachment, the more independent they will become, free to explore while feeling safe and connected. For parents, this is a great reminder that building attachment takes time and patience, and also we don’t have to teach our children independence! It will unfold naturally as long as conditions are favourable with our support.
The child will undoubtedly become independent when they have attached at the deepest level.
Although all of the stages of attachment are meant to occur by age 6, there are times when the conditions are not conducive, and a child will get stuck at a certain stage, but it is never too late to improve the attachment relationship.
The Six Stages of Attachment (Birth to Age 6)
Stage 1: Senses (Birth-12 months)
Babies can only attach through their senses, so being physically close to you in that first year is very important – they need to see, hear, smell, or touch you to feel safe. If they can't sense you, they experience separation.
Stage 2: Sameness (Toddler years)
When they can't be with you, they want to be like you. This is how children learn to walk and talk—by imitating those they're attached to. You’ll notice they will also want to wear the same things as you, and like the same foods as you, and look the same as you.
Stage 3: Belonging & Loyalty (Age 3)
They start saying "my mommy," "my house"—not from possessiveness, but from a need to belong. Loyalty and cooperation emerge naturally here – they want to be loyal and on the same side as their caregivers they belong to.
Stage 4: Significance (Age 4)
They need to feel special and important to you. This is when saying things like "you matter to me" and “I am so grateful for you” becomes crucial. We want to make them feel special – give them attention, love and caring words as much as we can at this stage.
Stage 5: Love (Age 5)
The heart opens fully and they will give their heart to whomever they are attached to. They may draw hearts everywhere and want to be with you forever.
Stage 6: Being Known (Age 6)
They want to share their inner world and be truly seen for who they are. If they are attached to you they will share their secrets with you.
How does this relate to sleep?
The reason this matters for sleep is because many sleep problems aren't actually sleep problems—they're a result of a child resisting separation because that’s what sleep means to them. Effectively they’re apart from you because they’re unconscious, and it’s a very vulnerable state.
Children can only handle separation at the level they're attached.
A baby attached through senses cannot handle being alone in another room
A toddler at the "sameness" stage might love hearing how they are similar to their parent before bed to feel connected.
What happens during separation?
When your child faces separation from you, their nervous system activates three primary responses:
Pursuit - They desperately try to restore closeness
Alarm - They feel unsafe and panicked
Frustration - They try to change the situation
When we leave children alone to cry, we're triggering all three of these responses, which is why it’s so important to respond to your baby’s cries.
Here are some signs your child needs more connection, not less:
Excessive clinginess during the day
Constant need to be entertained
Saying "I don't care" about things that matter
Being bossy or controlling
Nighttime fears and anxiety
Difficulty moving from anger to sadness
Here are things we can do to support attachment, instead of forcing separation:
Show them they're welcome in your presence and make time for connection - This invitation is never taken away, regardless of behavior
Respond to them in a loving way when they call for you - Don't rush separation
Build your attachment village - Get support so you can meet their needs without burning out
The goal isn't to make them need us less—it's to fill their attachment cup so completely that they can handle developmentally appropriate separations.
Reframing Sleep "Problems"
That baby who only sleeps on you? They're following their biological programming. That preschooler with nighttime fears? They may be facing more separation than they can handle.
Final Thoughts
Attachment isn't about creating dependent children—it's about creating secure ones. When we understand that connection is the pathway to independence, not the obstacle to it, everything changes.
Your child's sleep will improve when their attachment needs are met. Trust their instincts, trust the process, and remember: there's no such thing as too much love or connection.
The most independent adults are those who had their attachment needs fully met as children.
