Understanding emotion is a key component of improving your child’s sleep. Here are the notes for this video:

All about emotion

All of this adapted from Isla-Grace Sleep and Wellness and based on Dr. Neufeld’s work on attachment and emotion.

Many of the things we want for our children—that they learn from their mistakes, accept limits, become resilient and resourceful, recover from loss and trauma, and don’t lash out in aggression when frustrated—all come not from teaching them anything, but from allowing the adaptive process to unfold through emotion and tears.

Emotion and Adaptation

Adaptation is directly related to sadness and how we experience emotion. A child has a lot to cry about in the first five years of life. But many parents have a fear of emotion -- they believe that in order for their child to be securely attached, they must never be upset or never cry. This could not be further from the truth.

As Dr. Neufeld points out, we have made tears such a problem that we’ve interfered with one of the most important processes of our children’s emotional development—the ability to come to terms with life when they are up against things they cannot change.

Tears are a physical reaction to accepting change. When a child is trying to change a parent’s mind or a situation that isn’t working for them, they operate from the sympathetic nervous system—the part of the nervous system that kicks in when we’re trying to make something happen. They demand, they keep asking over and over, try to convince their parents, but when they realize they can’t change it, the amygdala shifts gears to the parasympathetic nervous system, and tears are released.

This shift—this moment of tears—is the physical response to accepting that something cannot be changed. These are tears of futility. Neurotransmitters are released in these tears, and they actually contain stress hormones and toxins, which is why we often feel better after a good cry.

Welcoming emotion and tears is critical for several reasons:

1.     Brain development -- Brain development relies on tears and experiences of futility. As Dr. Neufeld explains, the brain is like a maze. We used to think that learning happened by “stamping in” experiences. But now we understand that learning isn’t about stamping in—it’s about pruning out what doesn’t work. The brain comes preloaded with millions of possibilities, and when a child encounters futility—when they reach a wall they cannot move—they prune that pathway and adapt.

Adaptation requires endings for new beginnings to emerge. If there are no endings, there are no new beginnings. Tears of futility allow a child to process endings so they can move forward.

1.     Feeling accepted – From birth, many babies learn that their tears make their parents uncomfortable. When a baby cries, the tension in the room rises, and adults rush to stop the crying. The unintended message is: Your tears are not okay.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara explains:

“As a parent responds to a child’s emotions, they convey which ones are acceptable, and the landscape of a child’s heart is carved into being. If a child sees that their father doesn’t like it when they are sad and tries to get them to think positively, the child’s brain may come to press down on sad feelings in order to make their relationship with their dad work. Thwarted expression can lead to alpha problems and a host of emotional issues. It is a perfect recipe for depression.”

Some parents pride themselves on having a baby who is always happy. But when I ask what makes their baby cry, and they struggle to answer, I wonder: Has this baby learned that crying is not acceptable?

2.     Finding Happiness – We cannot control our children’s emotions, especially their limbic system responses. Yet some parents feel responsible for keeping their child happy at all costs. This leads to controlling every emotional response, which is exhausting and impossible. A toddler upset about not being allowed to eat bananas all day is not going to be happy about it—but their feelings belong to them. Our job is not to prevent sadness but to support them through it.

3.     Releasing Aggression – Frustration that isn’t released through tears will come out as aggression. Think of it like a traffic circle. A toddler who resists bedtime will try to negotiate and push boundaries. If the parent caves, the frustration is temporarily relieved, but no adaptation has occurred—so the battle will repeat tomorrow.

If the parent holds the boundary and the child realizes they can’t change the outcome, the nervous system shifts, and tears are released. If there are no tears, they didn’t truly accept the boundary, and the battle will continue. If tears are repressed, frustration may turn into aggression.

We often want to discipline the aggressive child through separation, but we just need to see that child as needing to cry, not needing to be separated or isolated. Isolating the child or imposing consequences on the child is only going to lead to more frustration.

This is why understanding the role of tears is crucial. When boys and men are taught not to cry, they often display more aggression because the frustration has no outlet.

4.     Building Resilience – A child cannot be taught resilience; they must develop it through the adaptive process.

We now have a generation of children who struggle with adversity because they have not been allowed to experience futility. If a child never has the opportunity to cry about things they cannot change, they won’t develop the resourcefulness to adapt.

Now, what does this have to do with sleep?

Think about bedtime battles. When you set a boundary—"It's time for sleep"—your child will naturally resist. If you cave to their protests, no adaptation occurs, and you'll face the same battle tomorrow.

But if you hold the boundary with warmth and allow their tears about not being able to change your mind, something beautiful happens: they adapt. The frustration releases through tears, and they learn to accept the new reality.

Now that we know why welcoming emotions is so important, let’s talk about how to support them.

We hold space for them to express all emotion.

We remain calm (I always suggest parents have an inner dialogue with a mantra that helps them stay calm), we sit, we make physical contact and eye contact, and we wait for the tears to finish flowing. We don’t distract from the emotion, we don’t redirect their attention; we just sit and

wait. The child may have a five-minute cry or a twenty-five-minute cry. This is a strategy called

“stay listening” and something that was created by hand-in-hand parenting. To date, I think this is the best strategy. We can use this with a baby at 2 months or a child at 18 years old.

To sum up, here are a few reminders for you to take away:

1. Let the child encounter futility—hold boundaries and say no in a loving tone.

2. Hold the child in a place where there is nothing left to do but cry. Don’t use distraction or redirection.

3. Draw out sadness in the context of warm comfort. You can put a bit of sadness in your voice when speaking to the child. You can say things like, “That was really hard.”  or “It must have made you a little sad when…”

4.     Try to stay calm and remember that tears are not a problem to be solved. They are a necessary part of adaptation, resilience, and emotional health. Our job is not to stop the tears but to create a safe space for them to be expressed.

Final Thoughts

Our job isn't to prevent all upset but to create safety for all emotions to be expressed and processed.

When we understand that tears are healing rather than harmful, we can parent from a place of confidence rather than fear. We can hold boundaries with love, knowing that the temporary sadness leads to lasting strength.

Trust the process, trust your child's emotional wisdom, and trust that supporting their tears today builds their resilience for tomorrow.